Holden Montgomery (holdenmonty), an administration support technician for the Air Force Space Command, was deployed to Afghanistan in 2010 and later diagnosed with PTS, depression, and anxiety. He joined PatientslikeMe in March 2015, where he’s been connecting with other vets and sharing how he copes with his conditions.
We recently caught up with Holden, and here’s what he had to say…
Tell us a little about yourself. What are your hobbies and passions?
So I must admit that when I started with this journey after my deployment and home break-in/vandalism I didn’t really have any hobbies or passions. Since my only focus while I was deployed was to live until the next day, that is the mindset that I came back with and still struggle with, but I will touch on that later.
So the biggest thing that saved me when I was struggling the first several months before my first son was born was photography. I have a Nikon D5100 DSLR and I would go exploring in nature and take photos of whatever I thought looked awesome or beautiful. I have thought about doing that again here in Colorado Springs but when you wake up to Pikes Peak every day and it’s always there you tend to take the beauty that is around you for granted. I must admit though just about every sunrise and sunset is breathtakingly beautiful.
But lately, after I attended my first Soldier Ride with the Wounded Warrior Project towards the end of June of 2015, I really got into bicycling and that has become my main hobby and passion. It’s also kind of amazing how you change because I have started to notice that one of my passions is wellness. I know I need to work on my own personal wellness but I have started to be more passionate about wellness in general.
In your profile, you mention dealing with anxiety and depression in addition to PTS. What are the challenges of managing three conditions?
So even though I was initially diagnosed with PTS in 2011 and anxiety in 2014 it wasn’t until I spent a week at a behavioral health clinic in the middle of June of 2015 that I was diagnosed with all three. But being diagnosed with all three gave me some peace of mind. Well as much as you can with mental health conditions.
For me it seems like the cause of my PTS was several things that combined together. Between multiple different things from my deployment and then a couple months after I got back my home I was living in at the time was broken into twice in the same week. It seems to be very similar with PTS from what I have seen that people that have PTS tend to have anxiety and/or depression as well. It seems like what led to my diagnoses of PTS was kind of a snowball effect of different things, and it seems like PTS tends to be a combination of different conditions. For me it’s anxiety, and depression. That is what people tend to see of my PTS. My therapist that I have here in Colorado Springs told me that she sees me as having anxiety with no other symptoms which was rather aggravating because I knew there was other stuff. It is definitely a daily challenge.
I heard an analogy one time and I really liked it and I hope it doesn’t offend somebody but if it does I’m sorry but it has helped me with my PTS and stuff. PTS is like cancer, you treat it and work to get ride of it and once it is gone there is a lot of relief and you try to move on with your life the best that you can but in all actuality it seems like there is no 100% cure and that it is always in remission. There can be any number of different things that can happen and it comes back. Sometimes it comes back but is very minor and is easily managed and sometimes it seems like it comes back with a vengeance and tries to kill you.
What has your experience been like tracking your moods, quality of life, and PTS symptoms on PatientsLikeMe?
I have really enjoyed tracking my mood and quality of life when I make sure to update it regularly. It may sound kind of weird but when I put how I’m feeling that day or in the moment with a small description of what is going on then somehow I’m not able to lie, or make it sound not as bad. I’m blunt and sometimes brutally honest. Which is really nice and refreshing since I tend to lie to myself about how I’m feeling.
I know there is a way that you can print out how you have been doing to bring to your therapist but I haven’t actually done that yet. I guess I am still trying to tell myself and the world that everything is ok and that there is nothing going on with me until I can’t stuff my emotions anymore and I explode. I guess I’m still afraid of that stereotype that society has drilled into me that if you have mental health issues then you can’t be trusted around “normal” people.
You mentioned journaling as a way of handling your anxiety. Do you have any other coping strategies for people with PTS, depression, or anxiety?
I really enjoy journaling. It’s kind of like another way of the whole mood tracking and quality of life tracking. I can’t really lie when I’m writing it down.
I did run into a little bit of a big question. I filled up one small notebook that I used. It’s small enough that it can fit in my back pocket so I keep it always with me. But then there is the thought about what if somebody gets a hold of it and uses what I wrote against me or reads it, what would I do? So I thought about burning it or shredding it so nobody would ever be able to read it. I talked about it with my therapist and I wrote a small disclaimer in the front cover that basically states whatever is in here was how I felt at the time and I have addressed how I was feeling have resolved it to the best of my ability.
But anyway bicycling has been my biggest go-to besides journaling. I have created a coping card that is small enough to fit in my pocket which would help if I actually kept it on me and looked at it constantly. But some of the things on it are talking with trusted individuals which unfortunately seems to be growing smaller and smaller. But anyway walking, deep breathing/quiet time, looking up inspiring quotes, reading my Bible, listening to music, taking pictures of nature, take a shower, use my stress ball, and getting to my safe place, and thinking, which might seem weird but tends to be in a tree. I don’t climb the tree but I find a pine tree that is full enough that if I walk far enough into it nobody will be able to tell that I’m there. I guess you could say hiding from the world and thinking.
What has it been like connecting with other vets on PatientsLikeMe?
I have really enjoyed connecting with other vets on PatientsLikeMe. But I must admit more importantly than connecting with other vets is connecting with other individuals with PTS/anxiety/depression because even though everybody has their own story, you can end up in a darker place if you start comparing stories.
For instance when I was deployed I wasn’t allowed off base because I was an IT guy and kept the network for my squadron running and computers running. But with an accumulation of events while deployed and after my deployment I have been diagnosed with PTS but one of my best friends that I met here through the Wounded Warrior Project has a spinal cord injury, traumatic brain injury, and PTS from being blown up when he was out on a convoy in Afghanistan. He is worse off than me and I used to tell myself that he is the kind of person that deserves the help that I receive because he has seen and been through some much worse stuff than I have.
I don’t have a spinal cord injury, or a traumatic brain injury. But we help each other, I share with him some thoughts that I have that I must admit I tend to be ashamed of because they aren’t the kind of thoughts that I would normally have had before everything and more times than not depending on the situation he has had the same thoughts or if he was in my situation would have the same thought, and we challenge it together. Just sharing how you feel with another individual that might be feeling the same way or something similar no matter how different your stories are is a really powerful thing. So really the biggest thing is just the fact that you are connecting with somebody that has a similar diagnosis. Really, diagnosis doesn’t even really matter— just somebody feeling similar to you. Somebody that you can relate with.
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