5 posts tagged “hallucinations”

“In my own words” – PatientsLikeMe member Edward shares about living with schizoaffective disorder

Posted May 19th, 2015 by

Meet Edward, a member of the PatientsLikeMe mental health community. He’s been living with schizoaffective disorder since the late 1970s, and over the past 35 years, he’s experienced many symptoms, everything from paranoia and euphoria to insomnia and deep depression. Below, he uses his own words to take you on a journey through his life with schizoaffective disorder, including a detailed account of what happened when he stopped taking his medications and how he has learned to love God through loving others.

How it all began:
In my early twenty’s in 1977, I was doing GREAT in college, double majoring in Mathematics and Electrical Electronic Engineering and in the top 1% of my class when I started having problems with mental illness. My first symptom was an intense mental anguish as if something broke inside of my head. Then my sleep started to suffer and I would fall asleep in my college classes, which was not at all like me. Then I started having strong mood swings and I became very delusional. I experienced all of this without the use of any drugs or alcohol; in fact I have never used any street drugs or alcohol. Life became HELL and I tried suicide. My parents then put me in a psychiatric hospital, where I stayed for about a year.

What schizoaffective disorder feels like:
When not on any antipsychotic medications, I feel like; others could hear my thoughts (broadcasting), that I could hear other people’s thoughts (mind reading), that I could communicate by thought with others without speaking a word (telepathic communication), not only could I communicate with other people in this way but I could communicate with other things as if they had human like qualities (anthropomorphic telepathic communication), believing that I am super important to the world (grandiose thinking), that others were out to kill me (paranoia), and I would become very delusional. But, now after taking the antipsychotic medications for some time, not only do I not believe that these things (powers) were never true for me, I also believe that no one else has these powers. Maybe some people may have others out to kill them, but this is not true for me. Also, for over 35 years (1977 – 2013) I believed that God would talk to me personally and would give me personal instructions, but now, I don’t believe this is/was ever true.

On top of having psychotic episodes, my mood has fluctuated from being euphoria, extremely joyful, super happy, with very little sleep, feeling like I didn’t need to sleep, etc. to suicidal lows, dysphoria, deep dark depression, and sleeping a lot with not being able to get out of bed, etc. My mood swings greatly in duration and intensity for reasons I am not fully aware of.

My quality of sleep is very poor. When I lay down in bed to go to sleep, my body/mind tortures me so much that if I haven’t gone to sleep within about five minutes I get up out of bed to relieve the torture like sensations. The torture sensations might be; restless legs, a general restlessness of my body or mind, a sensation in the back of my throat, an itch, or any thing that my mind can not stop focusing on. Once I have gone to sleep, I only sleep for about an hour before I awake. Once awake I go through all of the problems of falling back to sleep again. The sleep I do get is not refreshing. My mood and sleep go hand in hand, when my sleep is bad, my mood swings are bad and when my mood swings are bad, my sleep is bad and vise-a-versa. I have had a recent improvement my mood/sleep problem. It may be due to my new medication, Latuda that I am taking. Only time will tell if Latuda will continue to help.

What happened when I tried to stop taking my meds:
I stopped taking all my medications because I wanted to see if they were doing anything for me. Everyone told me that this was a bad idea, but I did it anyways.

As time progressed I could tell that my wife, Audrey, wanted to confess something to me, but was scared that I would not be able to handle it. I could also tell that Audrey talked to my counselor about this, and that my counselor agreed with her not to tell me. They were keeping something a secret from me. We danced around the issue, as if there was a white elephant in the room that no one was willing to talk about.

I figured that Audrey was having an affair with the senior pastor of a local mega church that she belongs to. It appeared to me that Audrey was willing to break off the affair and go public with it, but the pastor was not. To keep it from going public, I figured that the pastor hired a hit man to kill me. The more I thought about it, the more I was sure of it.

One day after Audrey left for work, I panicked. I started running. The first thing I did was try to get a hotel room without showing ID. However, all the hotels that I tried required ID. The way the hotel staff acted made me all the more sure that the pastor was getting help in finding where I was. At this point, I went into a Jack in the Box to get something to eat, and I could tell by the way people were acting that they had received the reverse 911 call on me. I figured the senior pastor that was having an affair with my wife knew that I knew about the affair and that I was running, so he convinced the police that I was either a danger to myself or to others, and that they should put out a reverse 911 call to find me.

I quickly left the Jack in the Box and got back in my car. I drove to a Rite Aid store and bought some bottled water, because I was planning to hide in the desert. The employees at the Rite Aid seemed to be acting strange around me, as if they, too, received the reverse 911 call on me. I quickly got in my car and drove into the desert, trying to find a safe place, but I saw a helicopter in the distance, and I knew I was not safe there either. I got on the freeway and headed north.

I had not been sleeping well for weeks and was getting very tired. Having a bottle of 200-milligram caffeine tablets with me, I took one. It helped only a little. I was also taking them to help me feel better, and I already had a lot of caffeine in my system. After driving for about fifteen minutes, I felt sleepy again, so I took another caffeine tablet. This sequence of events continued. I was taking a caffeine tablet about every five to fifteen minutes.

After driving for about two hours, I was scared that I might be a danger to myself or, worse, to someone else, because I could easy fall asleep behind the wheel. I pulled off the freeway into the parking lot of an old run down hotel. I figured that these people would be willing to hide me.

I booked a room, even though I had to show my ID. They too appeared to be acting strange. I figured that my picture must be on TV, so that people could be on the lookout for me. Everywhere I went people were looking at me funny. At the hotel I tried to lie down on the bed to get some rest, but I could not rest. I was wired. I got back in my car and drove north again.

After driving for about another hour, I came to the conclusion that I could not hide, and that they would eventually find me and kill me no matter where I went, so I stopped running. I called Audrey and told her I was coming home. Still very tired, I got back in my car and took another caffeine tablet or two.

I do not remember if my son called me or if I called him, but my son and I talked. I told him that I thought his mother was having an affair. Talking to him did help me stay awake while driving. After talking to my son, I called a friend to have him talk to me to help me stay awake. I was still taking a caffeine tablet about every five to fifteen minutes.

Half a bottle of caffeine tablets later, and with the help of everyone, I finally made it home that night. My wife and I got ready for bed, but I could not get any rest.

I got up and started playing on my computer. This was no help, for I started to worry about the Internet crashing, which would cause havoc to our society. Not only was I worried that the Internet could fail, but I believed that I could make it crash, if I wished. This really bothered me a lot.

The way I figured it was, if I did not make it crash, myself, it would someday crash by itself. The more I thought about this, the more I was sure of it. The problem was that if it crashed later we would be worse off and our society would not be able to recover.

I figured that the Internet could not handle human emotions, so I decide to make it crash that night by causing it to be jealous of my other computer—that was not connected to the Internet. I told my computer that was connected to the internet, that I loved my other computer more.

In the morning, Audrey took me to the emergency room at a hospital where there was a behavioral health unit.

Now, I was really afraid of just about everything and everybody. I thought that the internet was out to get me. I believed that the FBI, CIA, and Homeland Security were called in because I was viewed as a national threat. I also believed that the hospital needed time to get agents into the locked ward to act as patients.

After spending most of the day in the emergency room, I was all the more sure that these things were true. I thought they would put me in the behavioral health locked ward, but they did not. Instead, they put me on the surgical floor.

Now, I really believed something was up. Why would they do that? This scared me even more.

On the surgical floor, they had a nurse sit by my bed. I thought she was working for the government to find out if I was a national threat or not. I told her everything about my relationship with my computers and how I caused the Internet to crash. At this point, I thought the Internet had already crashed and it was all over the news, because the hospital staff would not let me watch TV.

To make matters worse, I was craving sex, badly. I was hoping the nurse would be willing to do something with me, if Audrey gave her okay. It seemed to me that Audrey did not want to have sex with me, and she might be willing to let me play with someone else. So, if she was willing, I was willing. But this never happened.

I was scared out of my wits. I wanted the hospital staff to put me in lock-up. Believe it or not, I felt more comfortable in the lock-up ward than I did on the surgical floor.

Later they put me in the mental health lock ward and placed me on a three-day hold, and then on a two-week hold. They stated that I overdosed on caffeine, that I was a danger to myself and others, and that I could not care for myself.

At first I refused to take the medication they wanted me to take, but later I did take it and I got better.

Now I can see that I was very delusional.

Where I’m at today:
My life has been full of ups and downs, twists and turns, which have taught me an important fact, keep the main thing the main thing, which is to love God with everything I got by loving others as I would have them love me with forgiveness, compassion, endurance, patience, mercy, grace, charity, tenderness, strength, wisdom, kindness, and with all that causes good to happen. The way I see God is He is more of a Spirit than a being, like Santa Clause is more of the spirit of giving at Christmas time than a actual being. Different psychiatrists have given me different diagnoses and prescribed different medications at different times in my life. When I am not suffering with my symptoms of mental illness, I enjoy working with my robot, studying and doing math, writing books, writing computer programs, and thinking about God stuff. If you have any questions either about myself or my fight with this illness, please ask me.

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Patients as Partners: Hallucinations and Parkinson’s disease questionnaire results

Posted February 26th, 2015 by

It’s time for another Patients as Partners post, and today, we’re happy to share the results of the Hallucinations and Parkinson’s disease questionnaire.

In March 2014, more than 500 PatientsLikeMe members living with Parkinson’s disease (PD) took part in an Open Research Exchange (ORE) questionnaire about their condition. They worked with Dennis Chan and Ruth Wood from the University of Cambridge to understand a symptom called an extracampine hallucination, which is the sense of a presence beside or behind you even when there’s nothing or nobody there. So, unlike visual hallucinations, the presence can only be sensed or felt, not seen.

Everything the community shared will help researchers develop a new tool to better measure this type of hallucination and alert doctors and care teams to ask about this symptom earlier rather than later. Read the results here.

What’s ORE all about again? PatientsLikeMe’s ORE platform gives patients the chance to not only check an answer box, but also share their feedback on each question in a researcher’s health measure. They can tell our research partners what makes sense, what doesn’t, and how relevant the overall tool is to their condition. It’s all about collaborating with patients as partners to create the most effective tools for measuring disease.

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“You can get better” – PatientsLikeMe member jeffperry1134 shares about his journey with PTSD

Posted February 12th, 2015 by

Many veterans are a part of the PTSD community on PatientsLikeMe, and recently, jeffperry1134 spoke about his everyday life after returning home from military service. In his interview, he touched upon his deployment to Somalia in the early 1990s, and how his memories of Africa cause daily symptoms like anxiety, hallucinations and nightmares. But despite everything, Jeff remains upbeat and reminds us that there is always hope. Scroll down to read what he had to say.

Note: the account below is graphic, which may be triggering.

Can you tell us a little about your military service and your early experiences with PTSD?

I entered the military in the Army in July 1990 as a heavy wheeled mechanic. I went through basic training and AIT at Ft. Jackson, SC. I went to my first permanent duty station in December in Mannheim, Germany. I was assigned to a Chinook helicopter unit. My unit was very relaxed and we got along well. As soon as the war broke out we received our deployment orders. We returned home in July from deployment. My PTSD was early onset after returning from Desert Storm. I experienced nightmares, depression, alcohol abuse and drug abuse. At the time I was a 19 year old alone in Germany away from my family struggling with this mental illness. My supervisors were able to help me hide my problems well and it was not discovered at that time. I feared being singled out for having these problems. Three days before it was my time to PCS stateside our company was deployed again, this time we were going to Somalia. I was told I could leave but I felt guilty so I volunteered to stay and deploy with my teammates. We deployed in November 1992 and returned in June 1993. During my time in Somalia it was rough. During the deployment my job was perimeter guard duty and body remover. During the deployment I used local drugs of Khat and Opium Poppies to control the symptoms of my illness. After returning from Somalia not only did I have the symptoms that I had earlier but now I was hallucinating hearing voices, smelling smells and seeing flashes. I went stateside a week after we returned. I went to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO in an engineer unit that was strict. I made a huge impression with my skills as a mechanic and a soldier so when I was having problems my superiors hid it for me to keep me out of trouble. I did get in trouble once after a night of heavy drinking and smoking marijuana and was given an article-15 for being drunk on duty. Before that day I had still considered myself as a career soldier and I decided then that I was not going to re-enlist. I spent the rest of my military time waiting to get out and finally July 1994 came and I was out and had a job at a local car dealership as a mechanic. After working a while I got into a verbal confrontation that turned physical with the business owner and had to be removed by the police from the dealership. After that my thinking became bizarre and very hyper-vigilant. I took newspaper clippings and taped them to a door so it would motivate me to exercise harder and be ready if I were ever in a life or death situation. At the time I was working with a great therapist and she did wonders for me keeping me stable. She convinced me to take my medications and stop drinking daily.

What were your feelings after being officially diagnosed? 

I was blown away when I was diagnosed in 1995 after a suicide attempt that ended up with me being hospitalized on a psych unit for a week. My sister walked in on me at my apartment with a loaded gun in my mouth. I was resistant to treatment or even acknowledging that I had this illness. I was linked up with a therapist and psychiatrist before leaving the hospital.

What are some of the symptoms you experience on a daily basis?

On a daily basis I usually deal with a lot of anxiety, some depression, occasional hallucinations and nightmares. On a bad day I will have sensory hallucinations with me smelling dead bodies, burning flesh or cordite. Usually when that happens I get physically sick.

You recently completed the Mood Map Survey on your PatientsLikeMe profile – what have you learned about your PTSD from your tracking tools?

I learned that my PTSD is not as well managed as I would like it. It made me press my doctor to give me an antipsychotic medication and I have a new therapist at the VA that is working hard to help me identify when my symptoms are becoming worse.

By sharing your story, what do you hope to teach others about PTSD?

I just wanted to show that you can get better and that there is hope and that they can get through it.

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Interview with Jim Atwell, Author of “Wobbling Home: A Spiritual Walk with Parkinson’s”

Posted April 4th, 2012 by

PatientsLikeMe Member Jim Askell, Author of "Wobbling Home:  A Spiritual Walk with Parkinson's"

Continuing our coverage of Parkinson’s Awareness Month, we’d like to introduce you to Jim Atwell, a PatientsLikeMe member who has been living with Parkinson’s disease (PD) since 2007.

A retired college professor, late-in-life farmer and weekly columnist for his rural newspaper, Jim recently published his second book, Wobbling Home:  A Spiritual Walk with Parkinson’s.  This meditation on illness and faith looks at Parkinson’s through the lens of Quakerism.  Why does this Quaker recorded minister view the disease as a gift?  What does he wish the public knew about Parkinson’s?  Find out that and more in our interview below.

1.  Tell us about your latest book, Wobbling Home: A Spiritual Walk with Parkinson’s.

Wobbling Home follows on this man of 73’s two definitions: I’m dealing with Parkinson’s Plus and for forty years I’ve been a Quaker (The Religious Society of Friends). My Quaker belief is that my life itself is a gift: precious, freely given, unearned. And further, that everything in my life is a further gift: health, abilities, family, valued friends.  I’ve earned none of these. They’re gifts. And after my initial diagnosis, I came to view Parkinson’s as a gift as well. It’s not one I would have chosen, but I accept it gratefully as the definition of the rest of my life.

Click Here to Learn More the Book on Amazon

And so the book is an attempt to share my attempt to harmonize this progressive disease with my own pilgrim’s progress as I wobble on toward home. I talk about Parkinson’s from the inside, dealing not just with the physical symptoms (lack of balance, shuffling walk, tremors, slurred voice, etc.) but with the perceptual, emotional, and psychological symptoms that recreate our interior lives. And that’s where Parkinson’s and my Friends’ beliefs dovetail together.

2.  In honor of Parkinson’s Awareness Month, what aspect of the disease do you think the public needs to know more about

The general public needs to know of the prevalence of Parkinson’s. Statistics now suggest that one in every 300 of us Americans suffer from it, with an ominous bulge in rural populations, perhaps because of careless use of pesticides and chemical fertilizers. Second, the public needs to know that, though their disease is chronic and irreversible, until its later stages most “Parkies” can live largely normal and often very productive lives.

Third, the general public (and many, many doctors) need to know how subjective Parkinson’s is from patient to patient. In our [local] support group, no two members have exactly the same mix of symptoms and medications. And fourth, the general public needs to know how important it is that they make a place in their midst for Parkinson’s sufferers, and for all with chronic, incurable diseases. To my mind, that’s what  “treating others as you’d want to be treated” is all about.

3.  You and your wife attend a support group that has both joint and separate meetings for patients and caregivers.  Tell us about that.

Care partners, female or male, are the unsung heroes of Parkinson’s. When our support groups meet, we first have an hour with Parkies and partners together. It’s a how-goes-it session, with each person present saying what the last two weeks of dealing with the disease have been like. Members in each group often learn surprising things about their partners’ dealings with a disease they truly share.

In the second hour, the groups separate. Care partners can then talk together about their own challenges, frustrations, and manners of coping with someone increasing debilitated, both physically and cognitively. (From what my wife tells me, a good amount of healthy venting goes on.) Meanwhile we Parkies are trading notes across the hall. Talk among us is largely of symptoms: who is having plumbing problems, who is dealing with hallucinations, who is frustrated with his GP or neurologist’s seeming lack of understanding of what’s going on INSIDE her or him.

Our group is largely men with a few women; the [partner] support group is largely women with a few men. (Initially we thought we’d have to have an all-men’s support group – how else to talk freely about plumbing problems and the like? We needn’t have worried a moment! Turn out that we’re all rowing the same boat.)

4.  What kind of role does PatientsLikeMe play in your life?

PatientsLikeMe is an invaluable aid to me, and I recommend it to everyone in our group. In fact, it fulfills the same great needs: for good and reliable information but, perhaps more important, for a sense that I’m not alone with Parkinson’s challenges. God bless PatientsLikeMe, its staff, and its work!


Life with Bipolar I Disorder: What We’ve Learned

Posted December 9th, 2011 by

Yesterday, our interview with bipolar blogger Andrea gave you a glimpse into what it’s like to live with bipolar I disorder.  Today we take a deeper look into this mental health condition using the data and experiences shared by our 1,237 bipolar I members.

First off, however, you may have heard of something called bipolar II as well, so let’s talk about how bipolar I and II differ.  Bipolar I is a subdiagnosis of bipolar disorder that conforms to the classic concept of manic-depressive illness.  It is characterized by at least one manic or mixed episode, and there may be episodes of hypomania (marked by elevated mood, hyperactivity and grandiosity) and major depression as well.  In contrast, bipolar II disorder – which is slightly more prevalent at PatientsLikeMe with 1,556 patients reporting it – is marked by depressive episodes that are more frequent and more intense than the manic episodes.

A Snapshot of the Bipolar I Community at PatientsLikeMe

Now, let’s take a look at the wealth of data found at PatientsLikeMe.  To give you a sense of the makeup of our bipolar I patients, 74% are female, more than 78% have an official bipolar I diagnosis, and approximately 40% report experiencing their first symptom prior to the age of 19.  What exactly are the symptoms of this condition?  Some of the most commonly reported include delusions, excitability, flight of ideas, grandiose thinking, hallucinations, irritability and paranoia.  As you can see, most of these speak to the “manic” side of bipolar I disorder, which involves “excitement of psychotic proportions” as well as hyperactive, disorganized behavior.

As Andrea’s interview yesterday revealed, treating bipolar I disorder can mean treating both mania and depression simultaneously.  Further, our patient-reported data shows that the two prescription medications she takes currently – lithium for mania and Lamictal for depression – are among the most commonly prescribed treatments for bipolar I patients, along with individual therapy and Seroquel.  How well do these treatments work?  Click on each treatment name to read our patients’ evaluations of their effectiveness, side effects, cost and more.

Finally, much can also be learned directly from the experiences our patients share on their profiles, treatment evaluations or forum posts.  We leave you with several patient quotes from our Mental Health and Behavior Forum that help to fully illuminate life with bipolar I disorder:

  • “My manias last for about three to four months and are followed by depressions that tend to also last three to four months.  Mine is the classic form of the disease with manias characterized by hallucinations, grandiosity, and impulsivity, and depressions characterized by fatigue, guilt, and somatic concerns.”
  • “The condition is every part of me as anything else. My choice to treat it arises from the consequences of living with bipolar in a non-bipolar world and not because I am broken and in need of repair. Bipolar “disorder”, well, whose order am I in disarray?”
  • “Now I’m a little manic.  I know what you mean about relentless depressions.  I have those too.  At the other end of the spectrum, I become psychotic.  That’s the part that really frightens me and usually lands me in the hospital, or worse.”
  • “A month ago, I truly would have been leveled by all this drama.  I’ve come quite a distance in a short period of time.  You guys give me such strength.  I know that with your help, I can make it through life’s ups and downs while keeping mine under control.”

If you’ve got something to share about bipolar I as well, join the conversation today!