Back in May, Eleanor (redblack) wrote about her some of her experiences with bipolar II to help spread the word for Mental Health Awareness Month. She’s continuing this month by sharing about the personal support system she’s developed through a wonderful relationship with her husband Jim, her special bond with a particular mood community member and how she’s learned about the value of sharing the “whys” of her bipolar II.
If you’ve been following along, keep an eye out! We’re going to post the third and final part of her interview in July. Miss the first part? Read that here.
The benefits of spousal support
My husband of thirty-seven years, Jim, is my strongest and most dependable support. We met forty-two years ago teaching high school in New York State. I was the single mother of two boys, four and five, who are Native American and Black on their biological father’s side. Jim was a Catholic priest. The boys soon adopted him as a father figure. We married five years later and moved to Maui. Jim adopted Mike and Mark, and later, we had James and Kalea. Before our marriage, he had already helped me through one suicide attempt.
Over the years, we have always felt we were destined to be together. I can honestly say that in forty-two years, he has never even raised his voice to me. Because of abuse in childhood and my first, brief marriage, I could not have borne it. During our marriage, he has seen me through three other suicide attempts and multiple ECT treatments.
He knows my moods and when they change. During depression, he is my cheerleader, safe harbor and my memory, celebrating the loving, talented person he believes me to be, and reminding me of all my accomplishments. When I am in the pit, he makes certain I know he is with me, but never tries to force an affection frozen within me.
As I worked the last six months to survive without my retiring psychiatrist of thirty-seven years, I have become more aware that Jim is the center of my support and always has been – not my doctor. As this realization grew, our relationship deepened. I thought I knew what a loving marriage was. However, our current relationship is stronger and more beautiful than ever. He is the one person I know who, while having no real experience of being bipolar, knows what to say, how to provide safety and strength, and how to let go when I am able to enter life again.
Support from the members of PatientsLikeMe
After ignoring the other members of PatientsLikeMe for the first few years of membership, I felt compelled to respond when several people commented on my InstantMe daily entries. I had mentioned the difficulty of finding a therapist to replace my retiring psychiatrist, and one member in particular wanted to help me. She lives in a major city and suggested I go to the nearest hospital associated with a medical school where there would be residents available for counseling. I explained here on Maui, we raise pineapples and sugar cane, and most jobs are related to the tourist industry. Hawaii is expensive and lacks mainland amenities such as many doctors from which to choose, support groups for mental health, and large shopping malls (which seem to be a priority for would-be residents).
So Kitty became my sounding board, my comrade-in-arms in the challenging world of bipolar II, and most of all, my friend! I discovered I was often more open to what she had to say than when my doctor said the same thing. Being put together very much like me, she had a perception of a situation I might find perplexing. She cut to the heart of the matter. Once, she suggested a different take on the puzzling behavior of a family member, and after following her advice, the relationship was mended.
She is funny and optimistic despite many problems, and with pretty much daily communication, we manage to keep track of each other’s ups and downs. It raises my damaged self-esteem to be able to encourage Kitty and others. I have learned that friends and family, although well-meaning, are often clueless as to the nature and future of being bipolar. Seeing from PatientsLikeMe members that this is pretty much a constant, I’ve been more at peace and even forgiving toward comments such as, “I’ve tried to help you, but you don’t make any effort,” or “Hasn’t that doctor found the right pill yet?”
Members of PatientsLikeMe also assured me by the tone of some of their entries that I am entitled to lose hope and to want to – and actually do – give up occasionally, and even be quite irritable! None of us are saints. We often feel like the last soldier standing in a curious and never-ending war – and that’s OK!
I could have used their wisdom and comfort years ago, but I’m so grateful I have access to them now. Thank you, staff of PatientsLikeMe, for making that possible.
Using patient charts and InstantMe tools
As for the charts and InstantMe tools, I am making more use of them as time passes. The charts are very helpful – and surprising – since my memory has been seriously impaired by depression. I find myself wondering, “How was it last summer?” and then can go to the charts and see immediately how I felt. Remembering the events of those months, I am often glad to see I handled things well, or sometimes, that I struggled terribly and this struggle accounted for the relationship that fell apart at that time. Seeing and using the daily InstantMe e-mail is a reminder and little push to work again.
Now that I have connections with other people on PatientsLikeMe, I find myself always filling in the comment section on InstantMe, something I originally never did. This is because I now realize the value in sharing the “whys” of my InstantMe selection. I get feedback from others and formulating a reason for my choice helps clarify it in my mind.
Reading past comments of my InstantMe, I’ve been able to spot triggers that appear again and again. I learn what feeling and experiences should be red flags for me. Often having questions or doubts about a medication, it’s so helpful to be able to find out what others have experienced with it. After all, my doctor isn’t taking it. Other members of PatientsLikeMe are!
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